Few things in life give me as much joy as slow-pitch softball. It’s right up there with juicy BBQ that doesn’t need sauce, cold beer and Neil Young in my book.
That’s why, despite the end of a glorious spring break, I’m in high spirits. Intramural softball has begun at UT and my two teams are hitting the field. My all-guys team, The Turkish Men, consisting of Daily Texan staffers and a few stragglers had their season opener Monday, a 6-4 win. My co-ed team, the Fightin’ Aardvarks, in its fourth year, kick off the season Wednesday, weather permitting.
Because of intramural softball, the idea of the Broball Player All-Stars was hatched. One of the teams in our division has the brilliant name of Shoeless Bro Jackson. My teammates and I assumed that these dudes must be bros, likely fratties, bu the name got our brains pumping during pregame warm ups.
What is a Broball Player you ask? It’s when you take the name of an existing baseball star, current or past, and bro ’em up. So while Honus Wagner was on the first baseball card, Bronus Wagner was likely shotgunning a beer in a speakeasy. That’s the difference. Also acceptable bro-isms include “frat” and “brah.”
Without further ado, here are your Broball Player All-Stars after the jump:
C- Bro Mauer– The All-American Bro. Proving that bros can make almost as much money as A-Rod, the ultimate anti-bro.
1B- Frank Brah-mas– The Big Hurt Bro. The muscle of the bros. Think of him as the bouncer at the club wearing a ripped Affliction shirt.
2B- Craig Biggibro– Pine Tar Bro. He’s the most versatile of the bros, able to play catcher, second and outfield. Will be your wingman any night, too.
SS- Bromar Vizquel– El Hermano de Venezuela. Slightly edged out Bromar Garciaparra.
3B- Scott Brosius- The Original Bro, no alteration needed.
LF- Hideki Fratsui– Can be seen doing kegstands at NYU frat parties to chants of “Godzilla! Godzilla!” Blue Oyster Cult’s “Godzilla” is likely involved also. Seriously, watch this video:
CF- Ichibro– The Fastest Bro in the East.
RF- Brose Canseco– His bro-ness is only rivaled by his steroid habit. And his oddly revealing–and vulgar–tweets.
DH- Bro Vaughn– Too easy.
Brolan Ryan– Earned his stripes by kicking Brah-bin Ventura’s ass.
Sandy Brofax– From 1961-66, he brought total Brah-mination.
Barry Zitbro– The only guy on this list who could actually be classified as a bro in real life.
Roy Broswalt– One of the few flickering stars of the once great Houston Astbros.
Brohan Santana-The King of the Bros.
Have any others to add?