The NFL’s Best Players (1996 Edition)

My handwriting has gotten much worse.

After years of build-up and weeks of Facebook-fueled anticipation, the time is here. Now, I finally publish my 1996 edition of “NFL’s Best Players.” The original edition was painstakingly hand-written over a series of weeks during free time in Ms. Foster’s third-grade class.

I have included the spelling and grammatical errors that my 8-year-old self made for effect. There are also some factual errors (such as calling “Dan Wilkerson” a “linebaker”), but, hey, I was 8. Get prepared for 1,000+ words of cutting-edge analysis, presented verbatim.

Remember Big Daddy "Wilkerson"?

Dan “Big Daddy” Wilkerson, Bengals LB
“Big Daddy” is one of the best linebackers ever to play the game. The 320 pound bulldozer can ram a person into a wall and make them stick. He’s the Bengals best linebaker.

Ricky Waters, 49ers/Eagles RB
Ricky is one of the best running backs in the league. The 49ers had him but then the Eagles picked him up. He likes QB Rodney Peete but not as much as Steve Young.

Jerry Rice, 49ers WR
Jerry is the best rated wide resiver in the whole NFL. He and Steve Young are a great team. Rice has 161 carrer touchdowns. Teams if you ever get a chance to get Jerry get him.

Emmit Smith, Cowboys RB
Emmit is the best running back in the league. He has over 5,000 rushing yards. Emmit has played with the Cowboys for all his carrier. He beat Barry Sanders for the best running back of the NFL.

Rodney Hampton, Giants RB
Rodney is one of the best running backs that you could get. He is one of the best running backs the Giants have had but they will miss David Megget.

He will hurt you more.

Ken Harvey, Cardinals-Redskins LB
Ken is the best linebacker in the NFL. He was the person who hurt Troy Aikman last year. If you try to hurt him he’ll hurt you a lot more than you could hurt him.

Micale Irvin, Cowboys WR
Micale had a rocky start because he took drugs in April. He was suspended for five games in the regular season. But his first game vs. the Cards was a great success he caught 5 balls but no touchdowns. But coach Barry Switser said “I think its just around the corner.” He said “Its great to be a Cowboy again.”

Joe Montana, Chiefs QB
Joe was the best QB ever. He played for the 49ers. He won 4 Super Bowls for the 9ers then he was picked by the Chiefs. He didn’t win a Super Bowl for them but he did a outstanding job.

Aikman just beat your pill-poppin' ass.

Bret Farve, Packers QB
Bret had a a little trouble this summer because he was hooked on painkillers. Then he got help. So later on there was a contest for who could throw the ball farthest and he won. Last year he was the MVP of the year. The Packers could of went to the Super Bowl but the Cowboys beat them.

Brent Jones, 49ers TE
Brent is the best tight end the 49ers have ever had. He averaged 1 touchdown a game. Right now he is injured so Ted Popson is the tight end right now.

Steve Bono, Chiefs QB
Steve may not be any Joe Montana but he is one of the best rated quarterbacks in the NFL. Steve was the backup of Dave Kreig but he got traded.

Barry Sanders, Lions RB
Barry is the second best running back in the NFL behind Emmit Smith. When the Lions signed hi out of collage they seemed to know he was going to turn into a star. He averages 1,000 yards a year. Barry wouldn’t prefer less passes because he loves QB Scott Mitchell.

He's no Steve Walsh.

Eric Kramer, Bears QB
Eric started out as the back up of Steve Walsh but Walsh is with the Rams now. Eric isn’t the best QB in the league but he can get you to the Super Bowl.

John Taylor, 49ers WR
Jhon used to be Jerry Rice’s side kick but now J.J. Stokes is. John retired as a hurt football player but as one of the best. He was one of Steve Youngs favorite targets.

Sam Mills, Panthers LB
Sam is one of the best linebackers today. The Saints had Sam then he was traded to the Panthers in the expuntion draft. Sam had a gereat time with the Saints but he is having even more fun this year because he loves teaming up with LB Kevin Greene.

Deion Sanders, Cowboys CB
Deion has been the corner back of the NFC. He has been with the Falcons, 49ers and now is with the Cowboys. Deion has played quarterback, wide receiver and corner back. Deion is better than Eric Allen.

Say no to drugs, kids.

Keith Davis, Giants LB
Keith is a retired NY Giant linebacker but is one of the strongest men on Earth. Now Keith goes around schools to teach kids to say NO to DRUGS. People say he must of took steroids but he didn’t. He says “You may not be a world class athlete but you can be a world class person.”

Jim Everett, Saints QB
For whatever reason, Everett was a new man in New Orleans. Jim is a pretty good quarterback but not as good as the good old days with Archie Manning. Everett set a team record with 3,855 passing yards.

Jeff George, Falcons QB
When Jeff was acquired from the Colts in the trade, there were questions about his attitude and willingness to sacrifice for the good of the team. George wouldn’t be like old Steve Bartkowski, but his first year was pretty good with 3,734 passing yards and 61.5 percent.

I honestly had to look this guy up.

Ray Donaldson, Cowboys C
Ray is the Cowboys top center even better than Mark Stepnoski. Ray was traded but then came back. Ray is one of the best centers today but their are some that are better.

Warrin Moon, Vikings QB
Warrin is one of the top rated quarterbacks this year. The vetearen reminds Vikings fans of Fran Tarketon. He didn’t when he was with the Oliers. Then they wished they had Fran because the Oliers domenated they’re defense. Then when he came to Minnesota faces lit up because they got the man they’ed been looking for.

Troy Aikman, Cowboys QB
Troy joins San Franciscos Steve Young and Miamis Dan Marino on the short list for best quarter back. Troy has been the best QB for the Cowboys since Roger Staubaghce. Troy has done a sinsational for the Cowboys. In 94, he passed for 2,676 yards. He completed 64.5 percent.

Steve Young, 49ers QB
In 1994 at this time, Young was still living under Montana’s legacy in San Fransico, but that has all changed. Now he knows he has the big job. Steve led them to the Super Bowl and threw six touchdown passes. That game they smashed the Chargers. Coach George Seifert said “I bet Tampa Bay is regreting this.”

Neil "The Disappointment" O'Donnell

Neil O’Donnell, Jets QB
This year Neil has disappointed the Jets. When they sighned him they thought he would take them to the Super Bowl just like last year when he took the Steelers. In his total playoff carrir he was passed for 821 yards, six touchdowns and no interceptions.

Marshall Faulk, Colts RB
Faulk, Faulk, Faulk. The Colts will hear their offense around him again this season and hope he doesn’t suffer from sophomore jinx. The Colts say Marshall can be the next Emmit Smith. Last year he ran for 84 rushing yards.

Edgar Bennett, Packers RB
The Packers finished 19th with running back Bennett. Edgar finished with 623 rushing yards. Edgar can catch and when I say catch I mean catch.

A good person.

Dan Marino, Dolphins QB
Dan is one of the best QBs their is. He led the AFC with passes. Dan is not just a good football player he is a good person.

There is many more outstanding players out there but we couldn’t list them all.

FIN

 

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